Why do I blog? Truth be told – because what I really set out to do five years ago hasn’t come to pass. It’s okay though, because I’ve learned so much along the way about myself and life in general and I’ve come out the wiser for it. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything and I know this is where I am meant to be for now. I blog because I want to be known for who I really am, not what people perceive me to be, or what they expect me to be. I blog because I want my inside to match my outside; for integration; to stay connected to my spirit. But even more than that, I want others to connect to who they really are too; to find their true self, to show who they really are, to connect to their spirit. And the best way I know how to do that is to lead by example. I certainly do not have all the answers, but I do know where to look. What I set out to do five years ago was to create a television series titled, Destination Enlightenment. Follows is my story of that pursuit and how I came to create this blog.
My passion is in communicating the things I am curious about and what I learn through my exploration. It is part of my purpose and why I am here blogging. I am fascinated by the mystery of life and the unseen forces that guide it. I am a spiritual person and I believe we are here to evolve as soul. What I find intriguing are all of the people, places, practices, and healing modalities that can help us connect with that inner knowing that ultimately helps us live a more integrated, fulfilling life.
So I set out to create a television show; a travel/docu-reality series titled: Destination Enlightenment. My goal was to take the viewer into the retreats, workshops, practices, and destinations that would assist myself and the viewers in connecting with their spirit. I wanted to show people that you can live a ‘normal’ material life and incorporate spirituality without being to woo-woo. I wanted to make spirituality, as broad as that is, a bit more mainstream.
Initially, when I was younger I wanted to be a television newscaster. I suppose I was drawn to the platform of television for the audience it could reach, but when I really thought about taking that path it didn’t feel right; a great platform yes, but for what? And since I’m being honest here, it was also mainly for fear that I may have to compromise my integrity to get a story, or that it would be too competitive and I would get eaten alive, or that sometimes news just seemed to be too sensationalized. So I went another direction, until five years ago, when the old dream resurfaced in a new way. It had been materializing for quite some time, but I didn’t know where to begin. I wanted to share what I was passionate about and I was frustrated that people seemed to be disconnected from their spirit; their authentic selves, just going through the motions. But, I had no connections, my concept wasn’t quite clear yet, I lived in a small town, etc., etc…
My call to action was when Oprah was launching her new network. In May of 2010, the OWN network held a casting call for a reality show. It was only by chance that I even saw the advertisement for the call. They were looking for hopefuls to compete in a reality show. The winner would get their own talk show on the OWN network. I was stopped in my tracks, I knew this was it. I had to put myself out there. I was petrified because part of the audition was getting votes through Facebook. This spiritual curiosity was always an aspect of my personality I kept to myself so to have to publicize it and get support required massive courage. But, I knew the alternative – if I didn’t do this I would have to live with the regret of wondering, “What if?” for the rest of my life. It turned out to be the most liberating thing I ever did. People were surprised about that aspect of me and I was able to connect with many on a deeper level that I otherwise would not have. That audition freed me. It opened me up to live a truer expression of myself. You can view my audition video here:
I didn’t let on to most people how seriously I took this pursuit because I knew it was viewed as a long shot, a pipe dream, a pie in the sky goal, but it was more to me than that. I felt alive and charged with energy while pursuing the dream. I was more inspired and engaged than I had ever been. I’d had never felt that kind of passion about anything before. Even as I was facing rejection, wasn’t understood or taken seriously – I DIDN’T CARE!
The audition did not get the attention of producers. However, even if it would have, the timing would not have allowed me to pursue it further. As the casting call was coming to a close, I found out that my dad had terminal brain cancer. He passed away six months and one week after the tumor was removed. My sisters and I were with him constantly, always in a rotating shift. He was never alone. And then, I worked extensively on his estate for two years after his passing. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was my duty and I was honored to do it.
While I was working on my dad’s estate I still pursued the dream. In 2011-2012 I wrote a treatment for my series, got it copyrighted and registered and tried to get the attention of producers. I was part of an online group for writers to connect with producers. Plenty of production companies reviewed, but no takers. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall and because I am in tune with the ‘flow’ of my life, I felt that the pursuit was over. I was sincerely sad and confused. I felt really angry too. I questioned, “What was this all for?” “How could I be so naïve to think that this dream was actually possible?” “Why would God give me such passion about something and then make me suffer for it?” It felt like a cruel joke. But mostly, I was left with a profound sadness. I was letting go of the dream and it hurt, I mourned.
I was in a funk and after a few days my husband, Ryan, noticed. I didn’t think he would understand, but I told him the truth and I couldn’t help but shed a few tears. I felt like an idiot. I thought for sure he would say something like, “It’ll be okay, you’ll move on. We have a great life and many people love you…” yada, yada, yada. But he didn’t. I could tell he understood that this was something deeper for me and he encouraged me to start a blog. I fell in love with him all over again in that moment. I had thought about blogging before but had my reasons (excuses) for not doing it. First, I felt I was more of a conversationalist, not a skilled writer. I tend to think faster than I can write and I didn’t trust that I could convey what I was feeling into writing; that my writing couldn’t convey the essence of what I needed to say; that I would edit repeatedly. And mostly, just the idea of setting up a website was so daunting I didn’t pursue it, but the seed was planted.
After that bit of encouragement I had received from Ryan, I came out of my funk and the ‘flow’ began again. Through a series of synchronicities, I was inspired to reach out to a particular producer that I thought would understand and be interested in the DE concept for a television series. The producer responded to me very briefly and basically said that nobody would bother with a treatment unless I had a demo reel (or a sizzle reel as it is referred to) to accompany it. So I enlisted the help of my sister Brittany and in August of 2013 we shot a demo reel on my iPhone! You can view it here:
That particular producer wasn’t interested, but that was okay because I was back on the trail. I reached out to many producers and once again I came up short. I got feedback from everyone and everywhere I reached out to, mostly kind, but usually the feedback included something along the lines of, “This isn’t what mainstream television is after at this time.” I finally came to the conclusion that perhaps this wasn’t meant to be. That I would gladly act on any inspiration or guidance from the powers that be if this was what I was supposed to be doing. So I let it go, the big idea of a television series anyway, not the desire to communicate and share said topics. But this time around it wasn’t so painful. I was more in acceptance of God’s will. But it wasn’t over yet…
Through another series of synchronicities, I met an entertainment attorney in 2014 who totally got me. She understood my concept and believed in it and me. It was so validating! And no, I didn’t have to pay her for that validation! She pursued a major network on my behalf, but was told they already had similar programming (which it totally is not similar!). Anyway, it’s been pretty quite since then. We’re keeping our eyes and ears open, but I am at peace with it either way. This journey has taught me more about myself than any other experience I could have had. I have more trust in knowing that things are exactly as they should be at this very moment than I ever have before. So here I am blogging and loving it!
To be honest though, this is the nutshell version of my journey. There have been many other influential, encouraging, supportive people that have come into my life as a result of pursuing my dream, but I’ll save them for another story.
For now I am blogging for personal reasons: connection with others and getting ideas out of my head and onto paper. And – truth be told – I want to be seen and heard. I want other’s to know who I really am, what makes me tick. Perhaps, it is the interviewer/reporter in me, but I often find myself so intrigued by the stories of others that I find little time to reciprocate. So if anybody is interested, they can find me here 🙂
You can read, The DE Guide: An Introduction to see the topics I will discuss. I am interested in connecting with like-minded folks, curious seekers, and anybody looking for good conversation.